Column Assignment

Duncan MacKenzie

Mrs. Cronin

Honors English 1B

5/6/14

Advice from an Innocent Child

In the style of Mary Schmich

            Inside every teen lurks the belief that they know everything that there is to know about the world.  Most of us, alas, believe that this knowledge must be shared with everyone.  Many of us will never be able to share what we have learned about the world because we are just meager children of a meager age, oblivious to the real world.  You may have already stopped reading by now because of my age, but if you have lasted this far, I ask you to stay with me.  Consider, but do not follow, all of my advice for you.  But I recommend that you do.  After all, I know everything there is to know about the world.

Always buy ice cream from the ice cream man.  You never know when he might forget your neighborhood when you need it the most.

Trick or treat until you’re 18.  This way, you will always remember how great Halloween was as a kid.  If you stop at a young age, you will forget what it was like as a kid.  When you grow up, Halloween will become just another miserable day of your miserable life.  Also, candy tastes better free.

Never take the last donut.  There is a reason that it is the last donut.

Whenever you go to a fancy restaurant, always order the most expensive item.  It’s not your money!

When given the opportunity to try something new, always take it.  When you’re old and boring, you can waste your life on doing the same things over and over.  When you’re a kid, it’s okay to make mistakes at something new.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Sleep as late as you can on the weekends, even if this means skipping church a couple of days.  You never know when you might have to stay up late during the week to do some “homework”.

Whenever you really want something from your parents, follow these steps.  First, ask them a bunch of times and get them really annoyed.  Then, when they finally agree, act like you have changed your mind.  This will get them even angrier.  They will be so mad that they will have lost their common sense, and they’ll do whatever you want them to do just to get rid of you for the day.

Never stand adjacent next to another man in a line of urinals.

When practicing an instrument that you were forced to learn, play it as loudly and obnoxiously as possible.  This will make everyone in your house hate listening to you practice, and your parents will never tell you to practice again.

Don’t post a lot of stuff on social media.  People care about you just as much as you care about them. Nada.

If you move your bookmark in you book back a couple of pages every week, it will seem like you’re reading.

Follow this advice and you will achieve true happiness and inner peace.